Prologue

Its been so long since i felt so alone..

I'm so afraid i have to repeat this year. God, please help me.

Life's so screwed. I'm getting myself mentally prepared to retain for another year. I don't like this but its something that i'm getting ready to accept. Harsh truth. Keep telling myself that these stupid requirements are just here to help me. So..if i can't make it, its my fault.

Hi Ashley,  I just wanted to tell you that you were prolly one of my best-est friends when i was 11. So..i don't know what's gotten into you now. I feel sad for you. Its heart-wrenching to see one of my close friends become so messed up. I know we all are a little screwed in our heads. But i just wanted you to know that every cloud has a silver lining and its not the end yet.  Hope you're doing fine in your private school. How's snowy? I miss that white darling you used to carry around in your pocket..

I want to be the kind of person that can go for days without sleeping and just study through the night. Or at least the kind that have relatively high IQs. Its really starting to piss me off how i've grown up with this group of friends (literally) and we do the same things. But, why are they turning out more successful than i am?

God, i know you have a better plan for me. But please tell me why i'm being treated so unfairly and constantly judged.

F*ck yeah.

Seems like i got caught for typing about cutting myself. Ohvells. Does it matter. Srsly, everything's so screwwed up right now. I hate how people use me as stepping stones, see me as some pushover, or just trample over me. F*ck y'all. I feel SO significant..-.- Ohkae, i used to think that maybe bein really preoccupied will take things off my mind but i'm starting to doubt it now..

Its hilarious knowing someone's lying straight to your face.

I just had the wost cry fo this whole term. Hmm. CT results suck ttm and only Physics has a sort of re-test. Others? Going into my report book. I feel a slight sense of acomplishment cuz i didn't slit any part of myself despite the results i got back.

Yeah, i'm a crybaby. I whine and can't face up to reality on my own. Thats why i cut. But since nobody seems to take me seriously, just let me continue to live my life as a delusional bitch.

I didn't cry cuz of the results, btw. I cried cuz i can't stand it anymore. I can't stand the feeling of always being disappointed in people and i can't stand it that i'm a coward to tell anyone about my cutting problems. I know that there are other people that cut. I just don't show it on my wrists anymore. Is it because i'm always laughing thats why you never take me seriously?

BBQ at Chin Ee's house tmr! Finally another reason to get out of the house..

I think i'm so disgusting. I'm short, fat, i have extremely bad habits, i cut, i'll never be able to wear all the pretty clothes that i see online. All the clothes that is pictured on F21 posters, Cotton On models, blogshop owners, i can never fit into a single one. Jingyi, you disgusting bitch.

I keep saying that i want to go shopping, but maybe its just an excuse to make myself feel happy even for a few seconds because once i really reach the destination, i find that i can't wear anything cuz i'm too short, too fat etc. I'm so disgusted with myself. Tmr going swimming in the morning and bbq at chin ee's. I'm gonna gain back all the weight i lost in the morning swim. Jingyi you stupid disgusting bitch.

I'm not good enough for anybody and highly doubt there'll ever be a guy that would like me and HAVE THE COURAGE TO TELL ME. Honestly, i feel embarrased going out with myself. I hate me. I should go for liposuction and suck out all these disgusting fats inside me. People keep saying that i should eat more cuz i'm too skinny but sometimes i think they're only saying that to make me feel better.

I need to do liposuction on my legs. Stupid, who knew ballet could fatten your legs. If asked which part(s) of me i hate about myself, it would be my legs and forehead. Yep, cos my forehead's so bloody high, i hate it ttm and my legs, they're bloody fat.

Gah, i should just go jump down a building then i won't have to leave with all these embarrassments. Or maybe turn aneroxic? Hmm, sounds like a good plan to me..

Technology's been failing me lately. I've been feeling really frustrated whenever i turn on my laptop. Firstly, it takes AGES to start, secondly, i can't sign into Twitter (extreme sad faces) and then, alot of the windows i opened seem to take ages to load! Yeah, exasperated mood now. I don't think i can fully understand why technology has never been working in favour for me. And i highly doubt it ever will. *shrug shoulders*

Have been thinking alot recently. Thinking bout my life and what i want to make of it. My 15th birthday passed a week ago, and i'm officially 15. But although i'm still schooling, the future doesn't seem so far anymore when you come to think of it. Its been 3 years since i entered Zhonghua and yes, the school has been offering me tons of expericence that i have never felt before in primary school. Anyway, now that i'm sec3, i've only got 2 more years to go before i start making serious decisions about what i want to do..journalism has always been my first choice but i'm so worried i won't get into the course i want when i et back my results :X

Thinking back, i'm kinda starting to regret why i didn't plan my life out properly. What was i doing, at this time of year last year? Still sore over my breakup I know, i know, why bother myself with memories that aren't worth to be in my head? I haven't got an answer myself. This year has been somewhat like a rollar coaster ride. Its all up and down. It still is, by the way. I'm not a fan of roller coasters but i guess when life gives you lemons, you just have to make the best of it-make lemonade!

There are a few aspects in life that have still been in the dumps for a really long time. I can't seem to get it out. Areas such as family have always brought me to the edge of my sanity and i'm left clinging onto what may seem to be the last shred of hope-school. It may seem ironic how i used to dread going to school 9years ago and wanting to leave the house as soon as possible now. I can't help it, they say school is a second home but i beg to differ. Since when was a first home a place that you suddenly see everyone as strangers? Well, enough of all the rattling, its Common Test Week this week! I ought to start mugging soon..

I've had enough of people trying to control my life.

I have never felt so afraid of someone before. Everytime i recieve a text from you, my heartbeat just gets faster. You scare me. And i told you but you never got it. Srsly, everytime i go to school, i feel like you're always staring at me. And this morning when we ran, you were behind me at the other side of the track, i was told that you were looking at me. Please, stop talking to me, stop forcing me to be with you. Stop forcing me to be your "sister". Its freaky. You really freak me out.

Recesses used to be real fun and something to look forward. But i dread it now and i don't tell anybody because i'm always afraid of the way you'd look at me. I'm afraid of you. I've always tried to make myself think that you're a really nice guy by trying to wave/smile at you but it doesn't work anymore. I don't even want to be in the same place as you. I can feel your eyes all over me and everytime i go home, i'm always afraid that you'd be behind, stalking.

Fck, i totally regretted giving you my number. Someone tell me what to do. I don't wanna live in fear for the rest of my school life with HIM.

Doubting anyone reading this, but if you do, i just want you to understand how i feel. I am prolly one of the biggest hypocrites. Why? I keep telling people that the word "Love" is long gone from my dictionary but yet i have a crush on a guy. I tell people guys are prolly the stupidest beings ever yet, i don't have the guts to talk to my crush properly. People know i hate pink, i hate frills & laces, i can't stand slow music/country music. And all the other stuffs that i find to be "girly". I tell my friends that i'll never date a guy that doesn't even have the balls to talk to me in school. All he does is text, text, text. I tell them that guy is gayshit. But i'm always giving him (sometimes me too) to make things right again. But that hardly happens. I always get disappointed.

Truth be told, i'm a wreck. I don't even know if i'm wearing on a mask or if this is who i am. Its been a year since there ever was a slit on my wrist and i promised to never do it again. I'm prolly addicted to cutting myself. Its hard to stop an addiction. I feel so lost. It gets even worse when i'm around people. I went to school crying yesterday, cried on twin for awhile. So much things i wanna get off my chest yet i'm not good at opening up to people. Yeah, i'm afraid. The girl that loves horror/thriller genre, skulls & crossbones, is afraid of opening up to people.

I'm confused, i dunno whats going on anymore, i suspect i have some form of suppressed memory and i can't stop my cutting. I'm afraid i'll kill myself one day. Or lose myself in all this mess.

-I'm a wreck, so how could you expect anything less?